Man Rules For Living With A Woman

THE MAN RULES-at last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side...

Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

9.. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

Naughty Old People T-Shirts! Funny!

When you get old, you pretty much have a license to do whatever in the world you want to. You've earned it. This right includes wearing t-shirts that may be questionable to some people's standards but quite alright for senior citizens. Check out this collection of "dirty" old people shirts. Get your laugh for today.

Auburn graduate launches his new boat...

I'm an Auburn fan, but I thought this was pretty funny. WAR EAGLE!


College Football is Coming!!!

The Effect

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?"

New Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Flavor

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream. Are you stimulated?

Let's Play Walmart Bingo!

Have you ever played 'Wal-Mart BINGO?

Copy the attached bingo card and take it with you the next time you visit Wal-Mart. Very funny and very true. Some examples of squares include "Rebel Flag T-Shirt", "Dirty Diaper in Parking Lot", "Child Without Shoes", Etc.
Click on the picture to enlarge and see it better.

Listerine Kills Mosquitoes. No, really...

Mosquito Spray...Worth a try... I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes.. And voila! That worked as wel l. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby. During the summer, I don't leave home without it.....Pass it on. I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors. It works - in fact, it killed them instantly. I bought my bottle from Target and it cost me $1.89. It really doesn't take much, and it is a big bottle, too; so it is not as expensive to use as the can of Bug-spray you buy that doesn't last 30 minutes. So, try this, please. It will last a couple of days. Don't spray directly on a wood door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window frames, and even inside the dog house.

Funny Bumper Stickers

"Fairness isn't giving lazy people money" bumper sticker

Detroit Gun Bumper Sticker

"Bend Over, Here It Comes" Bumper Sticker

"Why in the hell should I have to press 1 for English?" Bumper Sticker

"No thanks, I already have a Messiah" Bumper Sticker

"I believe the best social program is a job" Bumper Sticker

"Hey Obama, Redistribute This" Bumper Sticker

"Everything is fine, just keep watching TV" Bumper Sticker

"When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty." Bumper Sticker

Squirrel Catapult Video

I recently received this video through the email and was impressed by these engineers ingenuity and the fact it has a Jane's Addiction song playing in the background, very nice touch. Living in the south is always a backyard battle with the squirrels and they usually win if you don't have your Daisy sighted in just right. See this squirrel get the ride of his life on a homemade Squir-a-pult. I foresee alot of these being constructed in the coming weekends.

What pets write in their dairies

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

Going Away Birthday Cake

We had a "going away" party yesterday for a lady at our office. One of the supervisors called Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that write "We will miss you".

As the picture shows, it didn't quite turn out right. It was too funny not to keep it.

Old People Rock!

I found a secretary for you

My Rezimay

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the
paper.. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do
sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole
person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2
complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a
job Bcuz of my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want
to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore
anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins


PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Smiley spotted at Wal-Mart

Check out this new smiley face that was spotted at a local Wal-Mart. Watch out for falling underwear...

6 Degress of Blond

I'm a blond male. So I have my moments too.


FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'



SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'



THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'



FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'



FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'



SIXTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'

NEW: Casa D'Ice Signs

These signs are from a restaurant known as the Casa D'Ice in North Versailles, Pennsylvania. The owner Bill Balsamico is famous for his signs out front. He is not ashamed. Here's there website to check out their menu and learn more about the Casa D'Ice. They even have t-shirts, etc. with the signs on them if you are interested.